What to think of Sylvester Stallone

Has anyone in the history of cinema made more terrible movies than Sylvester Stallone?First Rocky? Great movie, even won a best picture award. Mr. Stallone mastered the fine art of taking a great idea and beating us over the head with it until we we were cringing in the corner of the movie theater crying for the owner to please stop it. Does anyone remember what Rocky 5 was about? Come to think of it the themes of the Rocky movies are: 1. Rocky loses. 2. Rocky wins! (Are you thinking the same thing I’m thinking? Where do you go from here? 3. Rocky vs. The Kids he spoiled. 4. Rocky vs Cyborg warrior. 5. Rocky takes on all comers at once and wins! (Oops that was Rambo 3, sorry).

And how about John Rambo? Hard luck army vet in “First Blood,” forced to fight the government who was oppressing him-who doesn’t like a theme of the government as oppressor?- morphs into bullet proof one man army who takes on all of Iran – or was that Iraq? Syria? Fresno? singlehandedly with the help of an M60 machine gun and an (apparently) endless supply of bullets (John Rambo doesn’t need to reload, he’s Rambo for pete’s sake).

How about that climbing picture where he – you guessed it – singlehandedly takes on the evil men who steal money and accidentally drop it into the middle of the mountains. Sly Stallone does not need warm clothes to climb up the freezing mountain! I already told you that he was John Rambo, and everyone knows Rambo don’t need no clothes.

He is learning, however. In one of his later stupid, pointless films (I didn’t say he was making good movies, just learning). He does not conquer the Formula One racing circuit singlehandedly, no his young protege conquers the circuit singlehandedly. One amazing sequence has the pair chasing each other at 195 mph around occupied city streets so they can stop and talk to each other (and blow a woman’s dress up as they flash by), but I digress from the main theme of the movie which is…which is…

This all begs the question, how does Mr. Stallone manage to get these movies made in an industry that is driven by art and culture, and excellence which is obvious if anyone has ever seen the movie “Ishtar” or “Waterworld.” My own theory is that he has proof that several Hollywood Studio heads had their houses remade by Ty on Extreme Home Makeover.

I say press on Sly Stallone making silly, ridiculous, formulaic movies so we can keep on making fun of you! Thanks for the great entertainment.


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